HOW TO WIN AT BREAKING UP

Let’s face it: there is no good way to break up. But, you can win.
There is always getting your phone disconnected. Then, he has to write
you a letter. He may try to deliver it himself. Moving is not the answer.
Let your roommate go to the door, crying. She is overcome. She can’t talk.
When he asks about you, she can be incredulous and slam the door.
When he rings the bell again, you can come to the door and say,
I am a ghooost. Hopefully, that will be enough. If he is the type
to show up at your workplace, yell, I thought I got a restraining order
on you. That should work. Maybe he waits for you by your car.
This will be the time to crouch and hide behind the other side. Then,
pelt him with gravel. He should get the point. If he calls your mommy,
tell her to say, I sold her into white slavery. He should back off by then.
He may have friends who will take up his cause. They can bum rush you
at the mall and ask, What gives? Start to back away and say,
It doesn’t have to end this way. Just give me the gun. A crowd
may form. Just give her the gun, homey! Then, tackle.
That should help him to understand. He may try another tack,
getting a new girlfriend. In which case you say, Oh no he didn’t!
Then you can have a rebound war. He can try
to get a foothold by dating someone pretty. Your best bet
is to date someone gross. Like you moved up. Then, start buying
yourself jewelry. True bling. That will work him over. It is never easy
to get out of a relationship that is not working. That is why sometimes
it is beneficial to break up to keep limber. Most relationships
have tender spots, like an ecosystem. Go ahead, trash the place.

***

HOW TO WIN A PARTY

 It is impossible to win a party without arriving sober.
You have got to get your bearings. If you have hit the jeremiad bottle
in the taxi, you will have a bad night. Don’t suffer for beauty. You do
however want to arrive late after all of the rum and cokes have
nailed down the men drinking beer. Take your position near the bar.
That way you can have easy access to the ones who think ahead.
You quickly scan the crowd for any men drinking vodka. Low threshold.
Scotch drinkers are too cerebral. Then you’ll find yourself defending
your views. He can be like, Women’s issues. And you can be like,
call me mizz. You can mention you think about, you wish they would
declare Jupiter not a planet like Pluto. Maybe then people
wouldn’t be obsessed with rings. You can be the first of your set
to accept stocks instead. Do not salivate over Microsoft stocks.
High ticket items make you want to tinkle. Then you have to get behind
all of the women talking about feminine products. They’re always
the first ones at the bathroom. If you work it right, you can get him
to stand in line with you. That will make you suave. You can start
to discuss national policy when you want to appear thoughtful.
Like you’re hip. You say things like Near East. Show him you have
Bretton and Woods emblazoned on your inner thighs. Then,
not be easy. Make him hold your purse. Fish around in there for
your copy of the Cluetrain Manifesto. Mumble like a genius.
Act like you have a habit of reading. Make like you have recently been
manipulating quantitative easing and you have ennui. Invite him
to another party that night. Not to get him alone per se. Though, yes.
It’ll make you sound connected. Like you are integral to the functionings
of world order. One last glance at the crowd before making a commitment.
Here is where you hone. He may offer you a nip off his flask. You can say,
I’m not mixing. And he can say, Pfft, and start laughing hysterically.

as seen in Eleven Eleven