When you don't go to Harvard you can date Harvard
later. That is similar. They look at you like you say things
they only thought privately freshman year. Many times
Harvard does not befriend Harvard whom they did not know.
It's a big university. They silently run the whole party
by surrounding people with their presence. They can protect you
in a war of words. They can say, C'mon, in your favor.
You can be silent then and hold your breath and hope
the other guy will back down because he knows
That Guy Went To Harvard. This is similar to going to Harvard
and being pretty. Men from Harvard are called Harvard men
and I mean it. This is how I can tell some people who
major in economics at Harvard. They tell you things like,
You should go to law school. You can see his mommy
at the grocery and she wears a Harvard sweatshirt,
but appears casual. Somehow, you work Harvard into
a conversation to hear her say, Hi, my son goes to Harvard.
She has no time for women who do not have a PhD. She wants
prodigiousness for her offspring. She wants a miraculous
woman to bear a president. That's easier with Yale
I infer, but she wants to be different.
A Harvard degree is like a passport to jobs. Many people
want to Pick your brain. This is how many people from Yale
become president. It is rare to have a Harvard man.
When we do it is time to start thinking about how smart
you are. Can you at least look smart? I think there are people
who look smart. They are smart dressers. They wear red.
Can you imagine sticking out at graduation wearing red?
That means you've got life in the bag. You know
you're going to be a management consultant who majored in
comparative literature. How your résumé stinks with money.
You had a paid summer internship at a Fortune 500
telecommunications house. You don't put that on your résumé
because it sounds like you're bragging. Sometimes,
a résumé has many jobs on it that are not real. Benihana.
That is not normal for someone who went to college
unless you work at the New York Times. Then,
you can write anything. You can name yourself Jayson
and forget it. There are not many memories
that involve the newspaper anymore. So few people
feel comfortable saying they Read it in the newspaper,
except to people who like to read but then you sound jejune
for mentioning it. Like they were reading the same article
but got so much more out of it that they could e-mail
the president. This is when you can say
you overheard it at Starbucks and no one
would judge your flagrant indiscretion.
To My Vibrant Benefactors
You are not scholastic. When you think about academe
it makes you sick. You are smart however, while you lease a car.
That's smart if you think about liabilities on your off hours.
The way women don't invest until they are too old
for marriage. Some women invest. They are smarter
than the ones who don't, or at least in a hurry.
The way the whiffle ball is sometimes better
than bungee jumping. Even when you are
in New Zealand. It is a fresh
departure from living with roommates
who ski and follow the stock market. How there are
many ways to invest in your future while having no money.
You can buy compact discs and say you have CDs.
Then, people will look at you like you're ahead
of the game. You can tell them you have mutual funds
but you mean you share your money with your bank
that is garnishing you. You can become divested
from reality. The way some people understand Wall Street
reform in their dreams but cannot re-form the ideas
when daydreaming. There are many times when I think
about stocks and how I wish that I had diversified
my boyfriends as often as I watch the penny stocks and
laugh. Thank you for remembering me in your will.